How does one reestablish Family connections?

Actually, perhaps the title should use the word ESTABLISH instead of Reestablish.

Since my recent move from New York to Virginia, I have been thinking more about family connections. As one might also suspect, the holiday season has driven a lot of these thoughts. Mainly, I would like to know when is it too late to establish connections to one or both sides of one’s family.

A little bit on why I’m asking this question. My mother and her family are from the States, but my father is from Ghana, which means I have an African-American family in the States (primarily in Virginia and Florida) and a Ghanaian family. My dad’s family is a bit more interesting (maybe interesting is the wrong word) because we have family members in the States, Ghana, and Europe (the UK, France, Germany, and the Netherlands). As a youngster, I really had strong connections to my mother’s side of the family because most of us were in one area. While I have met some aunts and cousins from my dad’s side of the family over the years, no substantial relationships formed compared to my relationships with my American (non-Ghanaian) family.

One LOL side tangent: When I was 24 or 25, I had an opportunity to travel to London and visit one of my aunts and her family. While my aunt owned a house in Kent, she let me stay in an apartment flat that she owned in London where two of her children lived. The reason why I say let is she charged them rent, but let me stay for free, which was very nice of her. Since I was cheap as hell, I flew into Gatwick Airport, instead of Heathrow Airport. This travel plan meant that I had to take a commuter train from Gatwick Airport to Victoria Station in London where my cousin was going to meet and take me to the flat (clearly, this was before Uber). At some point during my red eye over the Atlantic Ocean, I was like my cousin and I have not seen each other in at least 12 years. How the hell are we going to locate each other when we do not know what the other person looks like? While cell phones were around back then, international texting was expensive as all. Come to think of it, I didn’t even have his cell phone number. Long story short, it took me about 45 minutes of circling the station looking for him.. . Good thing I did not have a lot of luggage.

Ok back to the topic.

Having been in Va for a few months (after my 24-year hiatus), I’ll keep it real and say that I do not really feel close to my cousins from my mother’s side. It’s interesting because we were pretty close growing up, but I guess we’ve drifted apart over the years. I’ll back up and say that maybe I’m the one who has drifted away. I think that I’m the only cousin that left Virginia after high school to pursue my undergraduate (New Orleans) and graduate (NYC) studies. After graduate school, I pretty much didn’t want to stop having fun and stayed in NYC. To make matters worse, I really only visited the area on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even during my summer breaks during my undergraduate years, I was always participating in a summer program/internship that took me to another part of the state or of the country. During my graduate years, these connections became weaker because I would come home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas. In some cases, because of work, I would skip both Thanksgiving and Christmas. So now things feel kind of weird. For instance, I’m pretty sure that there is a family group chat that I’m not a part of. Perhaps, that’s my paranoia talking. Since these cousins have spouses and children, it seems like everyone kind of sticks to their immediate family units. While I would like to reestablish relationships with my mother’s side, I always think that I should be doing the same with my father’s side.

Some barriers to entry (regarding my father’s side):

Family beef:

While my father has about eight siblings, he is somewhat estranged from all but two or three of them. I think that’s a very valid reason why I did not have many connections to his side of the family growing up. I mean if he is beefing with one (or more) of his siblings, it’s highly unlikely that I would have had many opportunities to spend time with those units of the family.

Cultural Differences:

Although I have African-American and Ghanaian roots, I feel more connected to my American roots primarily due to proximity. Another reason, what’s one thing that connects you to your family besides genetics? My answer would be language. Growing up, I never had the opportunity to learn Twi, the language of my father’s family. Twi really isn’t a language that you could study in middle or high school back in the 90s (or even now). Also, my dad never felt the need to teach me his language. It’s one of those languages that you would have to speak at home because there isn’t a huge Ghanaian population in southeast Virginia. So, it’s not like I could passively pick bits and pieces of the language. In one case, when a couple of cousins from Paris visited the States back in the late 80s. I think I was 10 so my other cousins must have been 9 and 8. It was impossible to communicate because they spoke French and Twi, and I spoke neither. Even in my 40s when another Ghanaian finds out I’m Ghanaian (both my first and last names are Ghanaian), they usually give me shit (in a joking way) about not speaking Twi. While I am a part of my dad’s family Whatsup chat group (with over 40 members), I can’t really keep up with what’s going on because most of the conversations are in Twi. Also, some folks post way too many memes and Gifs from Ghanian culture, and those jokes fly right over my head. The funny (well maybe more weird) thing, my dad isn’t even a part of that group. Not sure if he was invited or refused the invitation.

Even though many of my 1st cousins grew up outside of Ghana, they still have a close relationship (through language, culture, food, and interactions) to the motherland.

Lifestyle ‘choices’:

If you have been following this blog, it’s probably not a huge secret that I’m a gay man. As some might suspect, homosexuality is looked down upon in many W. African families. So even if I were to establish connections with my dad’s side, I do not think that I could be my complete self because I would have to hide my ‘gay side’. During my London family reunion that I mentioned earlier, I did not dare say anything about dating dudes. This was kind of sad because at that time I was in a long-term relationship with a guy. It was kind of funny because my aunt was trying to play matchmaker between me and ‘suitable’ Ghanaian women in London. You know, it’s a no-no if you are an unwed man at the age of 25+. Since I was in my doctorate program at that time, I could get away with using the excuse of prioritizing my education over getting married and having a bunch of children.

Time:

While the above topics are pretty significant, is it simply too late to establish these connections? Since most of my cousins are the same age as I am, they are married and have children. At this point, it’s probably impossible to say Hey family member, let’s hang out and party all night in (I dunno) Rome. I take that back, let’s party until 11 pm in Rome.

Rejection:

While I’m a ‘tough’ guy ;), I fear rejection like most folks. Actually, for certain things, I simply do not put in an effort because sometimes I have the mentality of why bother. Why bother trying to establish connections if I’m going to end up in the same place as I started. I know having this mindset is one of my many flaws.

Question(s) of the Day:

-Have you ever tried establish connections with unfamiliar family members? If so, what was the hardest part? Were you successful?

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