Random Rants Thursday – Are we living in a ‘can’t say no’ culture

Do we live in a society/culture where saying ‘no’ or ‘I can’t’ is perceived as a bad thing? Bad to the person to whom you are saying no and/or bad because you feel bad for saying no? Has it always been like this, or did I miss a memo?

A few recent experiences

Job Hunting:

While most of my efforts in securing a job have been through networking, I am applying to some jobs via LinkedIn or a company’s website. Because I hate wasting time on things that will not pan out, I carefully read a job’s description and ensure that I have about 90% of the required qualifications and most of the preferred qualifications before submitting an application. You do not understand how frustrating it is when an interviewer is like “but you do not have experience in X, Y, and/or Z”.

A couple of reasons for my frustration:

1. X, Y, and/or Z were not mentioned in the job description.
2. You read my resume and saw that I did not have experience in X, Y, or Z. Why even invite me to interview if I do not have the experience that you all of a sudden need AND was not mentioned in the job description?

To me, this seems like a complete waste of time for everyone involved – the interviewer, the hiring manager, and other folks participating in the interview (e.g., team members, senior management, etc.). While this is not a problem for the hiring company, it is tough to sneak around and do these interviews during your current 9-to-5 job.

Reason for this rant: Recently I interviewed at a pharma company and had to deal with this back-and-forth BS. My experience with this company:

• Interview 1: Screening conversation with HR (eg salary considerations, work authorization, information about the next steps).
• Interview 2: One-on-one interview with the person who would be my boss.
• Interview 3 (over three days): Give a 60-min presentation and speak with 23 folks.
• Interview 4: Follow-up interview with the person from Interview 2.

During Interview 4 is when this “oh we need someone with more experience in blah, blah, blah” started to come into play. C’mon! Do you mean to tell me that the major expectations of the job have drastically changed within 1.5 WEEKS (Interview 2 – 4)? If that was the case, then maybe a new job listing should have been posted to inform applicants about these changes BEFORE they interviewed. The funny thing, the person could not give any concrete examples of the new expectations and qualifications for the role.

Long story short: I think the company (or more specifically the team director) had no idea what they were looking for. It reminds me of going to the kitchen to get something to eat when you are not hungry so you try a little bit of everything. Even after speaking with individuals from the team (and looking up their LinkedIn profiles), I did not see many skills and qualifications that they had and I did not. To be perfectly honest, I think that I had more experience in project management and building relationships than several of the recently hired team members. Ok, I have not worked in biomed for a few years, but I’m quite sure I could relearn many of the concepts in immuno-oncology (hell, I have a freakin doctorate in molecular oncology and immunology). Perhaps, I was overqualified for the role or too old. As someone who constantly self-deprecates himself frequently, let me give my ego a slight boost. 😉

Maybe the person was trying to spare my feelings by not telling me that they were not going to move forward with my application . . . without actually saying that. According to my application portal, I’m still “under consideration” for the position. I get that you want the right person for the role, but do not pull a bait & switch and make it seem like I applied to a job for which I’m unqualified.

While this was a rant, I will say that I did appreciate that the company does all the salary conversations during Interview 1.

Hanging out:

At this point in my life, I pretty much consider “maybe” as a no when making plans with other folks. If someone over the age of 30 says maybe I’ll come, that means they are not coming . . . at least to me. 😉 I guess saying maybe instead of no avoids the awkwardness of explaining why you cannot (or do not) want to attend something. Once, I give a friend a flat-out no response about attending a party (note: it was not a mean no). She was like you could have been ‘nicer’, said ‘maybe’, or given it more consideration. Why should I say “maybe” or “say that I’m going to get back to you” (another nice way of saying no) if I’m 100% sure I am not going? Is “maybe” supposed to be the new nice “no”?

I’m type of person who prefers someone giving me a direct no response rather than straddling the fence with a whole bunch of maybes and possibles. Just give a MFer a straight answer. Do not get me wrong, I understand “maybe” and “let me get back to you” responses when folks have a lot of things on their plates.

One more job hunt rant:

Recently, I was referred for a Position X, applied, and received an email from HR scheduling an interview. On a Friday evening at 6:45 pm (for a Monday interview), I received a call saying there was some confusion and that I would be considered for either Position Y or Position Z instead of Position X. I was not too upset because I honestly did not feel super qualified for Position X. Actually, there is a side story regarding Position X.

Because Position X’s job description was so VAGUE, I decided to find folks on LinkedIn who had the same job and set up a chat to learn more about the day-to-day of the role. Around 2 pm on that Friday, I had a chat with a person who was in Position X. Is it a coincidence that HR called me about the confusion on that SAME Friday 4-5 hours after my chat with the person in Position X? I have a feeling that the person to whom I spoke contacted the hiring manager or the team leader/director? Within the first few minutes of our phone call, the person in Position X said it was “interesting” that I received an interview for Position X. To be perfectly honest, I could not get a straight answer out of him about what was the day-to-day of Position X. Maybe I am being paranoid.

Back to interviewing for Position Y or Position Z instead of Position X: I arrive at the interview only to learn that it is more of a chat about working in this particular industry (instead of the company) because the company just hired a bunch of folks for Positions Y and Z. So over the weekend, the place hired a bunch of people for this two roles?!!! Remember that HR sent me the job descriptions for open Positions Y and Z around 6:45 pm on Friday.

Here’s the thing again, instead of wasting our time, why not say we are not hiring at the moment. Ok, so the informal chat was only about 30 minutes, which is not a big deal. I was annoyed because I spent a large chunk of the weekend preparing for the interview. Time that could have been used to pursue other career opportunities or watch 90 Day Fiance. 😉 Also, I declined an event over the weekend to prepare for the interview . . . I guess I should have given my friends a maybe response. 😉

While some folks might think this response is cold, but this is the PERFECT message for someone like me:

There was no time wasted for both parties aside from me tailoring and sending a resume.

Raising the youth:

I cannot say too much about this because I do not have kids. I have been noticing that parents cannot or do not want to say no to their children. Actually, I can have an opinion about this as a childless individual because I teach undergraduate courses. Many of my students often feel like they are entitled to a grade . . . even when they do not put in the work for the grade. Also, they do not want to take “no” for an answer when they do not receive the grade that they think they should have received. Or, they are shocked when I will not budge in raising a grade. Typical requests:

• I do not understand why I did not get an A.
• I came to all of the class meetings so I should get at least a C.
• What is the problem with bumping me from a D to a C+ or a B-? It’s only 15+ points.

Honestly, why can’t people just say no when necessary?!!!!

Question(s) for the Day?

-How do you deal with indirectness (eg maybe responses)?

-Do you think society is moving to a point where we are too nice at the expense of reducing directness, avoiding conflict, and/or not being seen as the bad guy/gal?

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